Celebrity Interviews
by Eternal Smasher
Summary: Melee. Redone in story format! That sounds familiar. So, Master Hand's still broke, still needs money, and is still using these celebrity interviews as a get rich quick scheme. New format brings new scenes and new lengths...
1. Interview With The Pyro Swordsman

_What'd I tell ya? It lives._

Okay, here's the deal. In case you don't know, and you shouldn't, I am Master Hand. The boss. With superiors. Who say they needed the format of my interviews revamped. Dicks.

No one else had a problem with it, except for the Smashers, who didn't really have a choice anyway. But I still want this money, so I decided to do it all over again. Some interviews will remain mostly the same, and even those will be increased in overall length. Cause everybody loves it when something like this murders their time so hilariously.

Whatever. My case stands: I'm fucking rich. Millions upon millions of dollars come to me. But they end up going to everyone else and their dog's pet, leaving me with…well, it is still a lot, but I want more. Then I had this brilliant idea. Celebrity interviews with my employees. The fans want it. The fans'll pay for it. Tape them, release it on video, don't have to pay Smashers crap (not on their contracts), pay the producers a little something, some killings here and there, watch the money come pouring in.

Genius.

It was going swimmingly until they started bitching about my format. Fine. I did it again, and added some crap. Woo-hoo. I win.

Get it? Hope so, cause I'm not stopping for you to catch up.

* * *

First Interview: Roy

The redhead with the sword went first. Apparently he has some Marth problems.

* * *

The room is a fairly large, fairly plain room with 1 wooden chair and several hidden cameras. The door on the west wall is slightly cracked. Master Hand is floating about 15 feet in front of Roy, who had a question.

"How do I feel about this? I can say anything, or…"

"Yeah. Just…say something."

"Okay. This shit sucks."

Master Hand didn't budge. "Go on…"

"I hate it here. The mansion's too damn crazy for me. I have almost no friends. And Marth…don't get me started on him."

"Oh, do go on," Master Hand encouraged.

"Ew. Anyway, that smash-happy, circle-dashing dickhead keeps taunting me about my speed. 'Roy, your slashes are putting me to sleep.' 'Roy, you fall too fast, try going on a diet.' 'Roy, you fucking suck.' I just wanna take his sword and shove it up his anorexic-"

"Wait." Master Hand laughed a little. "Let's go to flashback."

* * *

Marth and Roy are fighting each other on Corneria. Roy has 48 percent, which is 48 percent less than Marth's damage percentage. Roy keeps trying to slash Marth, but he keeps rolling behind him and sidestepping.

"What's wrong Roy? Is your aim off, or are you just totally crappy?"

Roy growled. Marth ran toward the wing of the ship, with Roy following behind as fast as possible.

"Stop running, bitch!"

Roy ran into the tip of a forward smash.

"I'm almost in the 100 percent damage zone. Just kill me already!"

Roy landed on his feet. "Stand still and it'll be easier!"

"It would be for you, loser!"

"Gay!"

"Slow!"

"Blue!"

"Red!"

Marth and Roy ran towards each other. Right before their swords clashed, an Arwing shot and killed Marth.

"Game!"

* * *

"Anything else?" Master Hand asked, somehow drinking water.

"Well, there's still the mansion. Not only does that crap continue, but…like I said, it's crazy."

* * *

Roy is walking to the bathroom. Eventually he encounters a line with 11 of his fellow Smashers (in order): Zelda, Ness, Pikachu, Young Link, Luigi, Yoshi, C. Falcon, Samus, Falco, Fox, and leading the pack, Peach.

"What's going on?" Roy asked Zelda.

Zelda shrugged. "Someone likes his alone time, let's leave it at that."

"I just need to get this eyelash out of my eye, so…" Roy began cutting. He got as far as Ness, who tripped him.

"No cutting, jerk," Ness said, looking straight ahead. He had to pee _very_ badly, and was trying to keep himself under control.

"It'll only take 10 seconds, unlike…who's in there anyway?" Roy stood up and continued cutting. This time he got as far as Young Link, who tripped him.

"Didn't Ness just finish with you?" Young Link said, looking straight ahead. He had to take a _huge_ dump, and was trying to keep himself under control.

Roy started crawling along the floor to the front of the line, where he stood up and talked to Peach.

"Hey, I had this spot first!" Peach protested.

"The spot is still yours. I just want to know who the hell's in there."

"I think it's Mar-"

Roy slashed the door down the middle and stormed in. Marth was applying his makeup and had been doing so for half an hour.

"Could you be any ruder?" Marth said, not even glancing at Roy.

"Are you _that_ much of a jerk? Honestly," Roy sighed.

"There are like 8 bathrooms in here, not counting this one," Marth argued, curling his lashes.

"Not only is this the most equipped bathroom in the mansion…everyone out there that actually has to use the bathroom can barely move without fucking themselves up. And don't you have a bathroom in your own room?"

"Don't you?"

There was brief silence. Roy slowly turned around and headed towards his room. Peach sighed sadly, while Ness, Young Link, and Falcon collapsed.

* * *

"Oh, and there's the 'no girlfriend' thing. Lilina's not a Smasher, thanks to you."

Master Hand chuckled proudly.

"But I still have the fangirls to keep me company."

"Yeah, can we move on?"

"Lots and lots of fangirls. Probably more than Link, if not as many."

"Earth to Roy? Getting good reception up there?"

"I think about 70 percent of them are my age. But a surprising amount pair me with that blue-haired bastard; you wouldn't believe-"

"SHUT UP!"

There was brief silence. Roy started to cry, and was promptly hit by a brick. Then the fangirls came.

"ZOMG IT'S ROY GET HIM!1!1!1!11111!11one!"

The rush took the unconscious Roy and left quickly and silently. Master Hand was speechless.

* * *

I'm letting you know now. I killed the fangirls. All of them. Yeah, Roy's interview sucked. But the surviving fans should find some joy in this. Somewhere. Somewhere very deep.

* * *

_Yes, the differences are noticeable. Especially the fangirl scream. And the extra flashback. And the length, which I'm purposely yet almost justifiably adding to. Okay, I'll stop._

_Try killing this now._


	2. Interview With An Italian Subsuperstar

_This be my second time writing the second chapter. Don't blame me for the delay; the document thingy was acting all screwy for 4 days in a row. (I kinda cheated on this one.)_

Second Interview: Luigi

I could tell he had many screws loose, rusted, or missing. For the most part, I was right.

* * *

Luigi sat down on the lone, wooden chair. He unwrapped a power bar and proceeded to eat it.

"Good?" Master Hand asked, pretending to care.

"Mmm," Luigi replied, ready to take another bite. Just then, Master Hand blew it (and only it) up with a rocket. Luigi started to cry.

"Focus, green guy."

"Luigi." He wiped his watery eyes with the power bar wrapper.

"Stop talking to yourself. First question. How do you feel about your brother?"

Luigi thought for a couple of seconds. "Which one?"

"Which one?" Master Hand mocked. "How many brothers do you have, shithead? I'm talking about Mario."

The room temperature rose a bit.

"Mario…that fat, red, glorified FUCK! I HATE HIM!"

"Ooh, this is good," Master Hand said, managing to sit down somehow.

"If it wasn't for me, HE would still be stuck in a painting for all of forever! I saved his fucking life, and how does he thank me? He leaves me to take care of the house and goes off and saves the GODDAMN PRINCESS FOR THE 20,000th TIME! I should've went to Isle Delfino with him and Peach! You know what he said to me? Huh?"

Master Hand chuckled. "What?"

"Daisy would be lonely, and the house needs to be watched."

Neither of the two spoke for almost a minute after that.

"That's it. FUCK! Daisy barely even takes time off to CALL my ass! And Peach has, what, 300 Toad servants? You'd think at least ONE of them could take time off to watch our house! He just didn't want me to go because he wanted to fuck Peach into another existence!"

"Ew."

"EXACTLY! And the Beanbean Kingdom? Sucked. Sure, my fame rose a _little_, but I didn't get any rewards or anything. A fuckin' _hug_ from Peach would've been highly appreciated, but she's an idiot, so whatever."

Neither of the two spoke for almost a minute after that.

"…You done?"

"No! ALSO…the events. Mario Kart. Mario Party. Mario Golf. Mario Tennis. Mario Baseball. Have you ever been to any of these events? Did you know know that Mario barely even participates due to his "celebrity status"? He's considered God when it comes to these; like a legend or something. WHY? Why the FUCK is everyone so scared of him? He wins by luck, I'm telling you now."

Master Hand sighed. "Tell me about it."

"Why is it that every time I even think about starting Luigi Kart or Luigi Party, no one shows up? Seriously. I tried setting up Luigi Kart. _5 people showed up._ Myself, a Toad (not _the _Toad, _a _Toad), my younger form, Daisy, and Mario. Daisy came because…well, let's just say that the night before was very eventful. Mario came…to fucking laugh at me."

"Oh, wow…"

"No lie. So what I only had 3 courses and…no audience members? I HAD THE DRIVE!" Luigi voice started to break. As did Master Hand's control of his laughter. "Can we move on? Please?"

"Next question. Life in my mansion. What's it like?"

"Other than the fact that there are two…_Marios…_it's pretty cool."

* * *

Luigi is in his room, dialing a number on the phone. Mario, Yoshi, Kirby, Ness, Roy, Pichu, the Ice Climbers, and Jigglypuff are with him. The phone is on speaker.

The phone rang 3 times before it was picked up.

"Yeah. Whaddaya want?" Waluigi answered.

"Are you Waluigi?" Luigi asked in a deep, hoarse voice.

"Yeah, Waluigi. Why?"

"YOU'RE GONNA DIE, FUCKER!" Luigi yelled, laughing evilly. Waluigi screamed like a girl while everyone else snickered. Luigi continued.

"I'm gonna come to your house, and when you answer the door, I'll stab you right through your skinny little stomach. Then I'll cut out your eyes and nail them to the wall. I'm gonna chop off your fingers and stick 'em in your ass."

A thud could be heard over the phone. The Smashers laughed out loud.

"That's good stuff…" Roy said.

"Why do you have his number?" Mario asked.

"…Huh." Luigi had no clue.

The Smashers laughed out loud.

"Still, that's good stuff," Roy reminded.

* * *

Luigi is playing Frisbee with DK, Marth, Young Link, and Fox. In the living room.

"Comin' at ya DK!" Fox threw the Frisbee at DK. He caught it.

"Marth!" DK threw the Frisbee at Marth (through a lamp). He caught it.

"Damn, DK. Young Link, heads up!" Marth threw the Frisbee at Young Link. He caught it.

"Got it! Luigi!" Young Link threw the Frisbee at Luigi. He caught it.

"Back to DK!" Luigi hit Fox in the nose with the Frisbee.

"Ow!"

Everyone that wasn't Fox laughed. Roy walked by, eating a sandwich.

"That's good stuff…"

Fox shot Luigi in the head.

"Heh. Ow." Luigi continued laughing. Fox stormed off.

* * *

Luigi is on the balcony above the living room, holding an apple.

Dr. Mario walked by.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away!" He hit Dr. Mario in the back of the head with the fruit. Hard.

"OW! What the hell is your problem?" Dr. Mario shouted. Luigi laughed in response. Roy walked by.

"That's good stu-oh, shit!" He fell down the stairs. Luigi's laughter was cut short by an apple to the mouth.

* * *

Mario had just gotten out of the shower, and was almost done drying off. Luigi ran by the bathroom and threw a water balloon at his brother.

"Oh! Oh, come on! Who does-oh my…That's just fucked up! Oh, man! This is just…How…?"

He could hear Luigi laughing in the distance. Mario almost cried.

* * *

Mario had on his pajamas and was about to go to bed. Luigi ran by his bedroom and threw a water balloon at his brother.

"DUDE! You don't just-I'm gonna kick your…" Mario sighed as he heard Luigi laughing in the distance.

* * *

Mario had just woken up and was about to eat breakfast (waffles and sausage). Only he, Peach, Jigglypuff, Link, and Yoshi were up. Luigi ran by the dining room and threw a water balloon at his brother's breakfast.

Mario screamed through his teeth, picked up his rifle, and ran after his brother. Many gunshots were heard, as was much laughter.

* * *

"That was really mean," Master Hand said.

"Yep."

"I'm meaner. You know that, right?"

"Well of-"

"Took too long!" Master Hand grabbed Luigi and threw him through the floor.

* * *

I think that little venting session helped him dramatically. That throw probably fucked it up again though.

_Yeah, it probably did. I don't know why I added the bit with the balloons; I just thought of how frustrating it'd be to have those things happen to someone._


	3. Interview With The Koopa King

_This took long enough, didn't it? I kinda cheated on this one too. No more, I promise._

The most timid people should be the most feared. Or attacked, in Luigi's case. So much anger…

Third Interview: Bowser

Ooh, big, tough, retarded villain, the loose cannon, the mutated tortoise thingy. What could he have on his mind…thingy?

* * *

Bowser sat down on the petite wooden chair, breaking it upon impact. "Ow!"

Master Hand snickered.

"Shut up!" Bowser yelled, embarrassed.

Master Hand laughed. "No."

"Can I get a chair?"

"I don't have any more."

Bowser growled. "Be right back." He stomped out the room. 7.372 minutes later, he returned with a dark, spiky, concrete throne.

"If I could sit, I'd ask you for one of those," Master Hand said, slightly jealous.

"Well…" Bowser set the throne down ever so lightly and sat. "It was custom-made by-"

"Don't care. First question. What exactly do you _do_ in my mansion?"

"Besides tryin' to kill Mario and all his friends once and for all? And eating?"

"Yeah."

"Scarin' people." He chuckled sinisterly, and then fell through the petite wooden floor.

* * *

Bowser is eating fried chicken legs in the kitchen. After he swallows one whole and spits out the bone, he scorches another chicken. Then he grabs it and squeezes it over the sink, letting (most of) the blood out, and continues eating legs. Mario walks in.

"Bowser! Where'd you get all these chickens?" After the question was asked, a chicken bone introduced itself to his eye.

"None of your business!" Bowser replied, scorching another chicken.

"But-" A live chicken introduced itself to his face.

"Shut up! Leave me to my cooking." Bowser proceeded to squeeze the chicken.

"Can I get to the fridge at least?" Mario whined. He screamed and dodged the kitchen sink.

* * *

"Okay down there?" Master Hand asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. My ass hurts, though," Bowser answered.

* * *

It is nighttime. Everyone that's in the mansion (that means everyone except Mewtwo and Ganondorf) is sleeping. Except, of course, for Bowser. He is sneaking around upstairs, in his Scaring Session.

First stop! Pichu's room!

Bowser shattered the door into tiny pieces. Pichu sprung up.

"Who's there? Who's…?" He saw a shadowy silhouette of Bowser with red eyes and weak flames coming out of his mouth, moving towards him.

"What's wrong? Can't sleep?" he said in a totally deep, menacing voice. Soon afterward, he heard liquid running. Pichu fainted. Or had a heart attack. One or the other.

Bowser laughed. "That always works." He walked away chuckling.

Second stop! The Ice Climbers room!

Bowser burned the door down and entered. The Ice Climbers were still asleep (in separate beds, like it matters). Bowser went face to face with Nana. She coughed.

"Whose breath stinks?" She opened her eyes and fainted. Or had a heart attack. One or the other. Popo woke up.

"Huh?" He turned over, saw Bowser, and screamed himself into a coma.

Bowser laughed. "That always works." He walked away chuckling.

Third stop! Peach's room!

Bowser gently opened the princess's door. A Toad was guarding her bed.

"You can't-" Bowser quickly stepped on him. He walked towards Peach and stepped on another Toad that had fallen asleep. She was sound asleep. He chuckled like a pervert. Peach snorted and turned over. Bowser fell into a hole.

"What the fuck…?" There was a thud. Peach didn't wake up.

Fourth stop! Samus' room!

Bowser rammed the door down. Samus was pointing her Arm Cannon at Bowser's nose. He sighed.

"Don't you sleep?"

"When it's quiet, which you didn't make it," Samus answered.

"But no one else is up! What the hell?"

"Just back away slowly."

Bowser backed away, pointing at Samus with vengeance.

"Good." She shot and electrocuted Bowser.

"You bitch! I thought you weren't gonna shoot if I left!" he yelled in anguish.

"Then stop thinking." She was smirking, but he couldn't see it on account of the helmet and being passed out on the floor. Then she went back to sleep.

* * *

Master Hand waited for Bowser to say something.

"What was the other thing I-"

"Trying to kill Mario and his friends," he reminded.

"Oh yeah. Once and for all…"

* * *

Bowser is pointing a rifle at Mario at point-blank range. He had been doing so for almost a minute, and everybody was watching. They are in the living room.

"Why didn't you shoot yet?" Mario asked.

"To build suspense," Bowser answered.

"That died 30 seconds ago!" said Falcon.

"Shut up, I'm concentrating!"

"I gotta use the bathroom," Mario said.

Bowser pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. "No bullets…" He snapped the rifle in half. "Fucking GOOMBAS! They were supposed to load this thing!"

Silence. Until:

"Don't they not have hands?" Peach had to dodge the sink for trying to be smart.

"This is not over Mario!" Bowser yelled.

Mario sighed. "It's _never_ over. God, get a life." Mario left.

"Damn Goombas." Luigi muttered under his breath.

"Well, that was boring," Fox stated.

Bowser stomped away, causing pieces of roofing to fall to the floor.

"I could've done better," Ganondorf said. He sidestepped to avoid a falling chandelier, but a piece of glass got stuck in his eye. He ran around screaming "Get it out!" at the top of his lungs. Everyone began chatter, leaving him in his misery.

* * *

Mario opened his room door, ready to begin a new day. But he felt something strange was going on. He looked at his feet. There was a trip wire there. He followed it. It would've triggered a catapult that would launch Kirby into the bottom of a custom-made gutter. Upon impact, a bowling ball would've traveled through the gutter and fell onto the floor several feet in front of him. He triggered it and caught the bowling ball.

"Bowser!"

"Crap, he spotted me!" Bowser was hiding behind a barrel half his size in the middle of the hallway. Clever. He ran away as fast as he could while Mario tried to bash his head in. Kirby just looked, not saying anything.

* * *

"Any more questions?" Bowser asked.

"Nah." Master Hand flew away.

"Hey. Hey, I heard a whoosh. Did you leave? Hey! Get me outta this hole! Oh, come on! This isn't right! Get me the fuck out!" Bowser roared. Falcon walked by the room, looked at the hole, and walked away.

"Falcon! That was your Spandex-ass, wasn't it? Get back here!"

* * *

I got him out 2 hours later. It was funny hearing him helpless…

* * *

"Come on…my ass hurts to much to jump up. Help…" Bowser whined.

* * *

See?

* * *

"Hello…? I'm hungry…"

* * *

_A clean slate for each chapter from here on out._


	4. Interview With A 2D Enigma

_The first interview in over a year. Awkward..._

I got Bowser out of that hole, in case you were wondering. About 3 hours after he fell. He's a big boy, he could take it.

Fourth Interview: Mr. Game & Watch

My strangest recruit. He had to sit sideways just so I could look at him. Flat bastard.

* * *

"Well, it could be a bit weird without eye contact, but let's get this interview started." Mr. Game & Watch sat in a small wooden chair, which faced the wall as he did.

"You don't have eyes," Master Hand pointed out.

"You don't have a mouth. You don't hear me complaining."

"Quiet before I stuff you into a crack somewhere and leave you to get all white." Master Hand awaited a response. He didn't get one, so he decided to proceed with the questioning. "All right, first question. Do you find yourself getting discriminated against in the mansion?"

Mr. Game & Watch sighed. "It's very, very random, but yes. Some people can't handle my differences. They're too much for them. That...and I cut people."

"Ooh, Mr. Game & Watch, I didn't know you could be so twisted," Master Hand laughed.

"Not on purpose! I'm getting sick of the fact that just because I can't be seen from the front...you know what, never mind. I'll just explain the cruelty of some of those assholes."

"You do that."

Silence.

More silence.

And some more silence.

Master Hand cleared his proverbial throat. "Flashback time."

* * *

Mr. Game & Watch is sitting in the dining room, eating dinner. Specifically, steak. There are several other Smashers eating with him.

"Hey, GW, can you do my steak?" Ness asked. Mr. Game & Watch groaned, walked over in his frame-by-frame manner, and like a highly trained ninja chef type thing, cut up Ness' steak into several bite-size pieces in a second. "Nice."

"_'Thanks' would've been a better choice. Little bastard._"

"GW. Steak." Bowser this time. Mr. Game & Watch went and did his steak too. He wanted to do his face, but Bowser's hide was too tough for that. "What do you want, thanks? Do you know who I am?"

"Please, don't," Mr. Game & Watch half-heartedly pleaded.

"I'm the Koopa King, bitch! Get back to your seat 'fo I beat yo' ass."

Mr. Game & Watch sighed and slowly went back to his seat.

"GW, why do you have such an attitude today?" questioned Fox.

"...What?"

"Yeah, man, I thought you were cool," added Young Link. He had a sword. He was fine.

"...Huh?"

"I'm 'bout to beat his ass..." Bowser said, punching his palm.

"You know what, if you're gonna be such a dickhead, you can just go. Or we can just go 'mat' mode on you. How's that sound?" Fox said.

Mr. Game & Watch slowly backed out of the room. When he was far enough, he broke out into a run.

* * *

"Can you really cut steak like that?" Master Hand asked.

"It got slightly worse from there..." Mr. Game & Watch continued.

* * *

Mr. Game & Watch is still running. As he was running, he collided with Samus, lodging his head in the leg of her suit.

"You little fucker. You already know you're a _walking_ death zone, so you brilliantly decide to run."

"Sorry."

Samus shot him in the side of the head. He was heavily electrocuted and fell to the floor, on his side. He looked like a welcome mat. And, sure enough, he was stepped on. By DK. It was dirty and wrong.

* * *

"Okay, enough of that shit. Second question. Do you have any friends?"

Mr. Game & Watch sighed. "Just one..."

* * *

In the Home Run Stadium, Mr. Game & Watch is having a lively conversation with Sandbag.

"You're the only one I can talk to. You and me...we're not so different."

_Says you._ Sandbag thought.

"I just feel so out of place. This isn't like a personality contrast, or a difference of opinion, or even being naked in public. This is a matter of dimensions here."

_No shit_.

"Having just 2 when the rest of this universe has 3...the crushing loneliness is more forceful than the gravity of the biggest, densest planet."

_Oh, jeez..._

"I mean, it's not like I'm dumb."

_(snicker)_

"I have talents. I have more talents than most of those Smashers combined. But what do they expect of me? Cutting steak. I know what I'd rather cut."

_So do I._

"But...I just take it in stride. I know I kick plenty of ass. I just wish there were either more 2-D beings on this planet...or a 3-D being like you."

At this point, Sandbag attempted to hop away.

"I'd hug ya if I wasn't so damn sharp..."

Sandbag started to hop away faster. He fell on his face (rather, the area where his eyes are).

"...You fell asleep on me?" Mr. Game & Watch started to cry. "I'm so DIFFERENT!!"

_Crybaby._

* * *

"You're a little whiny, aren't you, you flat sumbitch?" Master Hand asked.

"Please...I'm very vulnerable..." Mr. Game & Watch began to shudder, frame-by-frame. Master Hand laughed cruelly.

"You suck. Third question. Why do you suck so fucking much?"

"I don't suck...!" Mr. Game & Watch cried.

"Look, just because you're invisible from a certain point of view, and the entire outline of your body is so unbelievably sharp that anything you could ever get close to may end up being brutally slaughtered, rendering you forever mentally scarred, causing you to become a two-dimensional hermit that no one ever bothers to acknowledge, leaving you to die completely alone...no need to be such a bitch about it."

Mr. Game & Watch was speechless.

Master Hand grabbed him by his head with his thumb and forefinger and threw him into the wall. He went through it, leaving a narrow line.

* * *

I realized I kinda gave him backhanded advice, so I threw him to make up for it. Flat fuck.

* * *

_Mr. Game & Watch...oh well._


End file.
